The Truth The Whole Truth And Nothin But The Truth
by BelovedShadow
Summary: Judge Tsunade is overseeing a case today with some of our wildest characters! Let's see how it goes... I listed mystery as a chaatgory cus u don't know who's guilty till the end but there's no angst or anything.


**DISCLAIMER: Me still no ownes thee Kishi**

**Warning: Naughty language**

Judge Tsunade had been having a long week. Today was finally the last day of this trial and she had to admit she was bored as she listened to the yellow-haired boy who had just taken the stand.

"Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you god?"

"Sure… Hey Granny Tsunade! You're the judge for this case? Cool!"

"Naruto! Pay attention to the prosecutor!"

"Oh! Right, okay. What's up Kakashi-Sensei!"

"Naruto, I'm going to have to ask you some questions alright?"

"Mkay, but only if you promise to take me out for Ramen after this is all over."

"Fine!"

"Great, then ask away."

"Is your name Uzumaki Naruto?"

"Yep."

"Do you know Uchiha Sasuke?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Uchiha Itachi?"

"Yes."

"Which of the two people I just mentioned would you say you know better?"

"Sas-"

"OBJECTION!"

"What is it Asuma?"

"The boy didn't prove that he knows them!"

"Kakashi,"

"I'm on it! Naruto, are Uchiha Sasuke and Uchiha Itachi in this room?"

"Yes."

"Would you point to Uchiha Sasuke please?"

Naruto pointed.

"That's Sasu-Teme right there! In that dark blue suit."

"Thank You. Can you point to Uchiha Itachi?"

"Sure (he pointed) That's him right there next to Sasuke!"

"Satisfied, Asuma?"

"Hn. Fine."

"Alright then, back to what I was saying, Which of the Uchiha brothers do you feel yourself to be closer with?"

"Definitely Sasuke. Itachi-San creeps me out, and he doesn't like me very much."

Anyone who bothered to look would have seen a satisfied smirk spread across Itachi's face, he thoroughly enjoyed creeping people out.

"Would you say that you and Sasuke are friends?"

"Yeah!"

"Best friends?"

"Yeah!"

"So it must make you extremely jealous that Itachi gets most of Sasuke's attention."

"I guess it kind of bugs me sometimes…"

"Oh, it more than bugs you doesn't it Naruto? It makes you feel angry, very very angry. So angry, that you went to the Uchiha Complex last week."

"I did?"

"Yes! And you wrote nasty things about Itachi and Sasuke all over the walls of their home!"

"I did? Oh Kami! I guess I must be sleep walking again! What did I write?"

"You wrote 'Itachi Uchiha is a pervy blind cock-sucking faggot and he molests his little brother' didn't you? Right there on the walls?"

"Damn, the way you're saying it, it sounds like I did! Sorry guys!"

"OBJECTION! HE IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE DEFENDANTS STUPIDITY!"

"Sustained. Kakashi, sit down, it's time this case be over. I'm sending the jury out right now."

"But I still haven't called MY witness to the stand!"

"Oh well! I'm bored so they'll just have to work with what they've got."

Thirty minutes later the Jury was back.

"We find Uzumaki Naruto not guilty of Vandalism."

"Great! Kakashi, it's time for that Ramen!"

"Ugh! Fine!"

Judge Tsunade frowned as they exited. Then called for the next case. The Akatsuki entered, along with Orochimaru, Kabuto, Sakura, Ino, Hinata, Guren, Yukimaru, Karin, Suigetsu, Gaara, Neji, and Jiraya.

Anko entered last. She was the prosecuting lawyer for this case. Judge Tsunade smiled as she read through the case description. This was going to be interesting. As she continued to read, everyone was sworn in and all that jazz.

"Your Honor, may I proceed with my case?"

"Go right ahead, Anko."

"I would like to call Hinata Hyuuga to the stand."

Hinata rose from her seat and walked to the stand. She promised to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help her god.

"Now, please tell us what happened last Thursday"

Hinata sniffled.

"I... was... RAPED!"

Sakura, Ino, and Karin all gasped in horror, but no one else reacted much to Hinata's outburst.

"Could you please be more detailed than that? If you don't mind?"

"I-I-I was b-blindfolded... and-d then then... there were s-soft lips on mine... and I c-could feeeel someone... fisting... my... vagina..."

She started sobbing uncontrollably.

"That was fucking HOT! Then what?"

Anko evil eyed Hidan for speaking when it wasn't his turn. Then went back to Hinata.

"Is that all you remember?"

"I... passed out... soo.. yes."

Tobi raised his hand and started squirming around in his seat like he had the best idea in the world.

"Tobi, this is not a classroom."

Anko said, completely ignoring him.

"Okay, Hinata you may go back to your seat now... I would like to call Neji Hyuuga to the stand!"

Neji got up and pranced over to the stand. He was sworn in and started talking immediately before Anko could even ask him any questions.

"I didn't rape Hinata. I was in Suna all week last week, I don't know why I'm even here. I brought Gaara with me as proof that I was in Suna, can I go now?"

"NO!"

Neji sighed, clearly annoyed with Anko.

"FINE, Anko! Go on with your stupid questioning!"

She smiled to her self then did just that.

"did you rape Hinata?"

"No."

"Were you at home with her on the night that she was raped?"

"NO!"

"Do you have any idea if someone in this court room raped Hinata?"

"NOOO!"

"Prove it!"

"How do you expect me to do that?"

"We all know how sexy it would be if you and Hinata got together! Prove it never happened!"

"Ew! She's my cousin!"

"I DONT CARE! THAT'S NOT PROOF THAT YOU DIDN'T RAPE HER!"

"I WOULDN'T HAVE TO!"

Everyone got quiet. Neji slapped his hand over his mouth. Hinata started crying again, and Anko had a satisfied smirk on her face.

"And why is that?"

"We... We're already in a relationship. I KNOW It's incest... but oh fucking well! I love her and she loves me and we're together, and I would never rape her because I would never have to! I fuck her all the time anyway!"

Anko's smirk was bigger than ever.

"_Now_ you may go."

Neji leapt over to Gaara, pecked Hinata on the lips then Ninja flew his sexy ass out of the court room.

"Alright! Now, Ino! You're up!"

Ino walked up to the stand in a daze.

"Y-Yes Anko-Sensei?"

"Where were you the night Hinata was raped?"

"Sakura-chan and I were at her house..."

"Doing what?"

"...Do I have to tell?"

"Yes."

"We...Well..We..We Were... WEWEREFACEBOOKSTALKINGSASUKE!"

Kisame nudged Itachi and moved his eyebrows up and down. He was given a signature Uchiha 'Don't fuck with me' glare in response.

Anko looked over at Sakura who had gotten freakishly pale everywhere except for her cheeks that were flaming red.

"Is that true?"

"H-Hai, Anko-Sensei."

"You two may leave then. Suigetsu!"

Suigetsu climbed up to the stand slowly. Taking his sweet time as usual.

"Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you Kami?"

"Ok."

"Did you rape Hinata?"

"Hmm... who's Hinata?"

Anko pointed.

"Nah. I like red heads."

"Where were you Thursday night?"

"With Karin and Sasuke; watching Itachi and Kisame fight over which bijuu to go after next."

Anko turned to Itachi and Kisame.

"Is this true?"

Itachi just looked up at her. His sexiness distracted her. Good GOD she hadn't noticed how attractive he is!

"Okay, Itachi you can go."

Kisame was pissed.

"WHAT? That's not fair!"

"Kisame hush!"

"Why does he get to go!"

"Because people as good looking as Itachi Uchiha would never commit rape! He wouldn't have to! As a matter of fact, YOU are now the number one suspect, just because you're the ugliest person in the room!"

Kisame started cry.

"...It's ...***sob***...not... ***sob*** ... fair... daddy ...***sob***... doesn't... love... meeeeee!"

"oh kaaaaayyyy..."

"What the fuck! Get a fucking hold of yourself!"

"it's okay Kisame-san! Tobi has to cry sometimes too! do you want a lollipop? Tobi wants a lollipop!"

"It's alright, un! Let it all out!"

"_Who died and made Deidara Dr. Phill? _**Be quiet, I'm trying to think about which one to eat!"**

"Zetsu, Stop arguing with yourself!"

"Hey! I think that you bossing people around is putting an emotional strain on Kisame, un!"

"I'm the leader. I can boss around everyone."

Konan death glared Pein.

"...except Konan... Kakuzu where are you going?"

"Time is money."

Anko frowned. They were all crazy, that was for sure, but she didn't think they raped Hinata,

"Okay, all you Akatsuki brats can leave. Suigetsu, Karin, your alibi seems pretty solid, it's not hard for me to imagine that you would want to watch these guys argue. You both can go too... Jiraya! You're up!"

As Jiraya was sworn in he stared directly at Anko's breasts.

"HEY!"

"...sorry... so why am I even here?"

"BECAUSE YOU'RE A PERV!"

Jiraya frowned.

"Is that all?"

"Oh hush! Where were you Thursday night?"

"I was with Naruto, he was teaching me how to do the sexy-jutsu in the mirror, so that I can sketch a life sized portrait of myself as a sexy lady."

"EW! Okay then get out!"

"You're not gonna check my alibi?"

"No! Hinata would remember your gross hairy fists! Orochimaro!"

Kabuto walked him up to the stand.

"Nicccceee to ssssseeee you again Anko-ccchhhan"

"Hn. What were you doing Thursday night?"

"You do realisssseeee that I couldn't have raped that child, right?"

"Why the fuck not! You raped me! you raped Sasuke! You raped Juugo! You raped Kimimaro! You rape people all the time!"

"Yessssssss... But Thisss particular child ssssaysss she was fisssted. I can not usssseee my armssss."

Anko was in shock, it was true. She hated to admit it but it was true. It couldn't have been him.

"Fine! But you still have to tell me what you were doing."

"Well, if you inssssisst... I wassss eating my asssssss."

"WHAT?"

"I can ssstretch my tongue verrrrry far... I was giving mysssself a rim job."

"WHAT?"

"It'sssss true... You can assssk Kabuto, he watched."

"THAT IS NASTY! GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!"

Anko needed the innocence of a child, this was too much.

"Yukimaru?"

"Hai?"

"come to the stand... now, where were you Thursday night."

"I was with home."

"You don't have a home."

"You're wrong! Home is where people are thinking of you! Guren-san is my home."

"Did you just say that Guren is your HOE?"

Yukimaru chuckled.

"Noooooo silly! My _home_!"

"Oh! You can go."

"Yukimaru, come back."

"Tsunade-Samma, I have already finished questioning him."

"No, you haven't Look, he and Guren are the last people left, just because they were together doesn't mean they didn't commit this crime."

"Okay. I'll ask a few more questions then... Yukimaru, what were you and Guren-Samma doing on Thursday?"

"Playing a game!"

"What kind of game?"

"Pin the camellia in the Hinata!"

"WHAT?"

"I would pick a camellia, then Guren-san would crystallize it, and we would take turns seeing who could shove it farthest into Hinata!"

Anko was in shock. Yukimaru? Who would have expected that.

"We are going to have to send you both to jail..."

"Will we be together?"

"Hai."

"then I don't mind."

Tsunade frowned, what a strange ending to a long day.

**Soooo what did ya think? Plz review, flames r welcome, just speak your mind. I love all my readers.**

**-Beloved**


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